Two weeks away. Finally got my flight, hotel and bike transport done. Now I am in final prep. on nutrition, hydration, attire, etc. There is an incredible amount of planning and logistics...I just want to be done with the planning...I just want to toe line and go.
Anticipatory anxiety.
I keep having the same dream...that I have all this equipment on race morning that needs to be assembled...some how in my subconscious there are fins and paddles and wet suits and gear that needs to be assembled on my body before jumping into the water. I do my normal "last second plan" and I am not ready...oh shit...14 minutes minutes til the gun and I am the only one not ready...some Jeff Spicolli burner dude is a volunteer race official...he is from Louisville...he slowwwwwllllyyy says, "...don't worry dude...I got ya covered...he starts taking his time as he helps me assemble my equipment..." No. Please. I have to get into the water and go. I am tired. I haven't slept all night...haven't taken a dump...where's my f'ing goggles...oh shit, I forgot my Pedialyte...Spicolli guy: "Pedialyte? Ahhh...dude...what are you doing with Pedialyte? that's pretty funny dude..." all these other athletes are rested and ready. They are all so calm and ready and I am hysterical and then...oh shit...where's my damn race chip...I wake up...
I am trying not to take myself so seriously. I am trying to convince myself that this is not a race...that this is a long day of training. I am trying to have fun with it. Every time I do a transition run after 100-105 miles on the bike, I keep thinking..."just keep an 11 minute mile pace and you will be able to finish...remember, Cancun is the REAL race..."
But I haven't convinced myself...
There is that Fear of Fear. I fear that I won't sleep for several days before the race. I fear that I will get to the end of the bike and be drained and have nothing for the run. I fear that I will get injured and be toast for Cancun. I fear that I haven't fit my bike correctly and I am dicking around with saddles at the last second. I fear that I haven't REALLY committed to a nutrition plan. I fear that I am not having fun with this. I spent all this money and expended all this time and energy and I am dreaming about Jeff Spicoli???? How is this fun? I am bummed that my family will not share in this...
But to end on a positive note. I had a terrible ride on Friday. The saddle was wrong. I was sliding all over the place with the new Adamo ISM. I was slow. It was windy. My transition run sucked. I was bummed because this is one of the last longer rides before IM. But I kept a positive outlook. I went and got the seat adjusted and chalked it up to a bad day...
I said to myself, "take a day off on Saturday and see how you do on a 90 minute run on Sunday with over a day of rest..." Yesterday was the first 10+ mile run with a day of rest that I have had in months and OMG...did I fly. I am pretty sure I did 12.5 miles in exactly 90 minutes...And it was effortless. I felt like I was on a "forever pace."
So now it is time for deep breaths. Meditation. Letting go and letting God. I did my best. Time to taper...not only physically but mentally...time to really tune in to my motives for doing this. This is perhaps the biggest physical and mental challenge I have ever faced. It took guts and perseverance and commitment to train the way I did. I have overcome injury, doubt and fear. I made an invest in myself and I am in the best shape of my life...I can do this.
Deep down. I know I can do this...
Monday, August 17, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
3rd Century Ride - 19.5 mph
So I went on my 3rd Century ride with the team this weekend. I held an amazing 19.5 mph for all of the 105 miles. We did stop 3 times (briefly) for hydration...so that is a bit of an *asterisk*...and it was pace lined...so that has to be factored...and I did get dropped in the last 10 miles by my coach and two others and that was depressing...but all in all...I am feeling pretty good about the progress and my prospects for Ironman Louisville.
Of course, several things have me concerned. First, my right knee flared up at the end of the ride. My bad knee. My ACL-less right knee that I have refused to fix. Second, my transition run was turtle slow. I think it was because I pushed so hard (for me) on the ride. Third, I really can't see myself running the entire marathon after a 112 mile bike. Fourth, what's up with the numbness I am feeling every 5-10 miles in my groin area? Gotta fix that! Fifth, is IronMan stupid when my entire focus and motivation is performing well in Half Ironman Cancun? All the literature says that it is stupid to try to race a race three weeks after an Ironman.
I don't want to be a quitter. I definitely do not want to wait til next May to do my first Ironman. I do know that all this training is making me stronger. But I don't want to kill myself in this race and then be "toast" for Cancun. Analysis paralysis. All the travel and logistics is also buzz kill.
This is typical for me. Anxiety. Manic episodes of worry and wasted energy. I just have to make a decision and go with it. T-Bart may be coming to Louisville and that is a plus. The swim is "down-stream" and that is cool. I know I can do the swim and bike and then at least 8-10 miles of the run...then I can walk.
I also have to look at the big picture...I have hit many of my goals that were set in January. I podiumed in two races. I came in first in one of the disciplines in a race (swimming in Englewood)...I ran a sub 20 minute 5K. I have to work on the balance and perspective and not get stressed out about Ironman and all the challenges associated with it. I have to train with a smile and smell the roses along the way. Life isn't perfect. Plans don't always line up. Balance doesn't always happen.
As I stress out here...irrationally...a team member rests in a hospital bed after being attacked by two dogs on her ride this past Saturday. She broke two bones and has spots on her head...Without a helmet, she would be dead...Talking about the unpredictable. Life can change in a heart-beat. I just have to live it. Breath. Smile. Laugh. Accept.
Of course, several things have me concerned. First, my right knee flared up at the end of the ride. My bad knee. My ACL-less right knee that I have refused to fix. Second, my transition run was turtle slow. I think it was because I pushed so hard (for me) on the ride. Third, I really can't see myself running the entire marathon after a 112 mile bike. Fourth, what's up with the numbness I am feeling every 5-10 miles in my groin area? Gotta fix that! Fifth, is IronMan stupid when my entire focus and motivation is performing well in Half Ironman Cancun? All the literature says that it is stupid to try to race a race three weeks after an Ironman.
I don't want to be a quitter. I definitely do not want to wait til next May to do my first Ironman. I do know that all this training is making me stronger. But I don't want to kill myself in this race and then be "toast" for Cancun. Analysis paralysis. All the travel and logistics is also buzz kill.
This is typical for me. Anxiety. Manic episodes of worry and wasted energy. I just have to make a decision and go with it. T-Bart may be coming to Louisville and that is a plus. The swim is "down-stream" and that is cool. I know I can do the swim and bike and then at least 8-10 miles of the run...then I can walk.
I also have to look at the big picture...I have hit many of my goals that were set in January. I podiumed in two races. I came in first in one of the disciplines in a race (swimming in Englewood)...I ran a sub 20 minute 5K. I have to work on the balance and perspective and not get stressed out about Ironman and all the challenges associated with it. I have to train with a smile and smell the roses along the way. Life isn't perfect. Plans don't always line up. Balance doesn't always happen.
As I stress out here...irrationally...a team member rests in a hospital bed after being attacked by two dogs on her ride this past Saturday. She broke two bones and has spots on her head...Without a helmet, she would be dead...Talking about the unpredictable. Life can change in a heart-beat. I just have to live it. Breath. Smile. Laugh. Accept.
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