Two weeks away. Finally got my flight, hotel and bike transport done. Now I am in final prep. on nutrition, hydration, attire, etc. There is an incredible amount of planning and logistics...I just want to be done with the planning...I just want to toe line and go.
Anticipatory anxiety.
I keep having the same dream...that I have all this equipment on race morning that needs to be assembled...some how in my subconscious there are fins and paddles and wet suits and gear that needs to be assembled on my body before jumping into the water. I do my normal "last second plan" and I am not ready...oh shit...14 minutes minutes til the gun and I am the only one not ready...some Jeff Spicolli burner dude is a volunteer race official...he is from Louisville...he slowwwwwllllyyy says, "...don't worry dude...I got ya covered...he starts taking his time as he helps me assemble my equipment..." No. Please. I have to get into the water and go. I am tired. I haven't slept all night...haven't taken a dump...where's my f'ing goggles...oh shit, I forgot my Pedialyte...Spicolli guy: "Pedialyte? Ahhh...dude...what are you doing with Pedialyte? that's pretty funny dude..." all these other athletes are rested and ready. They are all so calm and ready and I am hysterical and then...oh shit...where's my damn race chip...I wake up...
I am trying not to take myself so seriously. I am trying to convince myself that this is not a race...that this is a long day of training. I am trying to have fun with it. Every time I do a transition run after 100-105 miles on the bike, I keep thinking..."just keep an 11 minute mile pace and you will be able to finish...remember, Cancun is the REAL race..."
But I haven't convinced myself...
There is that Fear of Fear. I fear that I won't sleep for several days before the race. I fear that I will get to the end of the bike and be drained and have nothing for the run. I fear that I will get injured and be toast for Cancun. I fear that I haven't fit my bike correctly and I am dicking around with saddles at the last second. I fear that I haven't REALLY committed to a nutrition plan. I fear that I am not having fun with this. I spent all this money and expended all this time and energy and I am dreaming about Jeff Spicoli???? How is this fun? I am bummed that my family will not share in this...
But to end on a positive note. I had a terrible ride on Friday. The saddle was wrong. I was sliding all over the place with the new Adamo ISM. I was slow. It was windy. My transition run sucked. I was bummed because this is one of the last longer rides before IM. But I kept a positive outlook. I went and got the seat adjusted and chalked it up to a bad day...
I said to myself, "take a day off on Saturday and see how you do on a 90 minute run on Sunday with over a day of rest..." Yesterday was the first 10+ mile run with a day of rest that I have had in months and OMG...did I fly. I am pretty sure I did 12.5 miles in exactly 90 minutes...And it was effortless. I felt like I was on a "forever pace."
So now it is time for deep breaths. Meditation. Letting go and letting God. I did my best. Time to taper...not only physically but mentally...time to really tune in to my motives for doing this. This is perhaps the biggest physical and mental challenge I have ever faced. It took guts and perseverance and commitment to train the way I did. I have overcome injury, doubt and fear. I made an invest in myself and I am in the best shape of my life...I can do this.
Deep down. I know I can do this...
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john. you are going to have a great time. it's not going to be easy, but you're going to have a great time. sit down in the next week, write down everything that could possibly go wrong, with your bike, with your transitions, with your nutrition. then come up with a backup plan. granted, you can't cover EVERYTHING, but if you're able to visualize yourself fixing something at the last minute that could potentially totally screw you, mentally or physically, you're taking back some of that control. you'll gain some relief if you can focus on the factors you can control. just a thought! looking forward to the race report!!!!
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